Warm Glowing Warming Glow

This Is Not a Joke

Dear Jenny,

The Weinsteins are moving Project Runway to Lifetime, says the New York Times.  Here's the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/07/business/media/07cnd-runway.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I don't think I even know where Lifetime is on my cable.  Do you? 

More and More and More

Dear Jenny,

Just when I was about to give up on Top Chef, we had our best episode all season and now I'm afraid I might have to stick it out. This sucks.

So why was this episode good? It was not because of the guest judge or the Quick Fire. Those were both kind of lame. Oh, the Quick Fire was funny, just because of the usual self-delusional contestant behavior from Hung. He created an ice cream topping of about 15 different wrong things, including cauliflower foam and then, after being told that it was too much and too disgusting, said something like, "Oh, they didn't get it."

The Elimination Challenge was good, though. Yeah, I don't usually go for those fake-out ones, but the late-night thing seemed like a legitimate test of something related to being a chef or owning a restaurant, including the having to cook in your sluttiest clothes.

The Judges' Table was excellent. Now it's been a couple days and I can't remember the exact turns of phrase used by everyone, but I think they went something like this, "You're an asshole." "You're an asshole." "You're an asshole." "More and more and more and more, you're an asshole." Sort of a foregone conclusion that Sara Nguyen was going home, and that's too bad because I like her. The attempts to build suspense about that were, as usual, lame.

What did you think? Do you want to talk at all about what the chefs wore to go clubbing? Are you as over jersey as I am?

Love,

-- Pete

Watch What Happens

Here's a pretty good, pretty long piece about what has happened to Bravo reality stars, after their show airs.  I was worried it was going to ruin Project Runway for me -- like Bravo = DeBeers, or something -- but actually, it's a pretty balanced piece.

How Can We Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

Dear Jenny,

I've been meaning to report to you about last week's new episode of Top Chef, except there wasn't one. It's very strange and I wonder what the reason behind it was, but just weeks after the break for Independence Day, we had another gap. Instead of another set of challenges and an elimination, we had "Watch What Happens" Top Chef reunion, featuring some contestants from each of the three seasons. Why now? Why them? What is there to say, really? We learned very little: people we thought were kookie were actually kookier than we knew. Everyone really still hates Marcel. (Get over it, assholes!) Ilan and I have the same glasses. Sam is really hot with a shaved head. Padma Lakshmi got that scar from a car accident when she was a child. Andy Cohen throws to the clip really enthusiastically. Maybe something more interesting happened at the end: I had to turn the TV off when Sandee (name?) from season three described Top Chef as "a microcosm."

Love,

-- Pete

Tibio!

Dear Jenny,

Wow.  I really don't care about the current cycle (Can I use that term without paying royalties to Tyra Banks?) of Top Chef.  I don't think I have the energy to go through last night's episode; in fact, I'm not 100% sure I was awake for it.

What is wrong with this show?  Something seems to be missing and I can't quite place my finger on it.  I think it's personalities.  I don't care about any of these people and it turns out that learning about food is just not enough.  Maybe it's just been too damned long since the last season (*cough* cycle) of Project Runway and a girl can't live on ceviche alone.   I need fashion, God damn it.

Fine.  So there was a Quick Fire with an Argentinian guest judge.  She would say something completely reasonable, but because of her accent, Padma would laugh like she had just dissed Midnight's Children.   Johnny or Poppy or Jerry or whichever of those bros is not Howie won, but I honestly can't remember what he made.  It was probably a trio of something or other.

The Elimination Challenge required the chefs to cook something Latin for the cast of a Telemundo production called Madame Chocolate (funny!).  The bros made some really good dishes; their distaff equivalents, sudden best friends Casey (aka "Bird Nest") and Lia (um . . . ), plus cocky, knifey Hung and Sara N. (one of my favorites) made some really shitty dishes.  In the end, Lia went home, because her polenta was both mushy and ethnically inaccurate, and also because she is boring, even more boring than Bird Nest. 

Did I miss something?

Love,

-- Pete    

Hot Food, Lukewarm Entertainment

I'm just about to give up on Top Chef.  I don't care about any of the contestants.  I think it's possible it's me, not them.  Some of them (the one with the fauxhawk, the really tall one, the cocky one, the other cocky one . . . ) seem like they might be dynamic personalities, worth watching and rooting for or against.  I still care about food, I think.  The judges are still about as trustworthy as they've ever been (ie, less dubious than the crazy poseurs over at crazy Top Design or Tyra and her cadre of confidence men).  Something about this show just leaves me flat, though. 

Last night, let's see . . . Everyone cried, right?  Did I imagine that?  Casey bawled and bawled because she was not going to get sent home.  There was something kind of amusing the way she twisted "I had immunity and consequently I inflicted an inedible tuna 'bird's nest' on the jury," into "the jury is giving me a guilt trip, and consequently I am going to cry."  And then all the other chefs were like, "Oh, yeah.  We might be sent home early, but let's comfort bird's nest girl."

Camille got sent home. That seems unfair, because as far as I can tell, she had never previously appeared on the show.  Shouldn't they have given her some sort of handicap for that?  Also, it was confusing because I thought hot people usually did better on these shows. 

Cooking for Elks

Dear Jenny,

I'm finally caught up on Top Chef and I wanted to do a brief recap of last night's episode, but I'm actually far more interested in pitching the new show idea I just came up with.  Do you think you can help me develop it? 

I was struck, while watching the show, by how much wittier ("But Grandma's chicken will kill you!"), more astute and more bullshit-proof the Elks were than Tom Colicchio and company.  (To be fair, I think Chef is generally a good judge and an interesting correspondent, but last night's puns -- invariably followed by canned laughter from the rest of the jury -- seemed horribly forced.)  So I had this idea.  I'm going to call it Cooking for Seniors.  It's going to be just like Top Chef, only the judges will be your mother, my mother and a rotating third slot, to be filled by a member of one of their book clubs.   There will be no more talk about flavor profiles.  Nothing they eat will be "bright" or "muddy."   You can be the host, but only if you bring the décolletage. 

Speaking of which: is it just me or was Padma wearing kind of a lot of clothes last night?  I got to thinking that maybe the Elks Lodge had been established as a Frottage Threat Level Orange Zone or something.  Thoughts? 

Love,

-- Pete

"Down-to-Earth and Fun"

I got really worried when I saw this headline.  I thought Bravo was considering tinkering with the Tim Gunn end of Project Runway, but no, they're reportedly trying to fun up Tim Gunn's Guide to Style.  I'm not sure if I care.  On the one hand, "down-to-earth and fun" is code for "vapid and whorish," which is, in turn, code for Nancy O'Dell (OK -- I don't know she's whorish, but . . . she's the one who sent Wendy Pepper to Fashion Week, so I think I'm allowed); on the other hand, is Tim Gunn's Guide to Style even a good idea in the first place?  Tim is already over-exposed.  Seeing him on a Queer Eye knock-off might really ruin him for all of us. 

Gayer than Project Runway

Hi Pete!

I can't wait to discuss Shear Genius, which, um, isn't, but is possibly the feyest show in the history of the world -- it makes Project Runway look butch, don't you think? I can't remember everything that sent me, but I did like the man in the sequined head scarf saying he wasn't gay, then going on to describe how GORGEOUS this other guy is, offer to pinch his nipples, and try to cast him as his model. Oh my word. Mostly, though, I didn't like it so much -- nothing for me to borrow, as I'm unlikely to attempt a rat's nest faux hawk -- and it drove me slightly crazy that the judges don't know the difference between "technicality" and "technique". What did you think?

Love,

Jenny

Enough!

Bravo has just announced its latest Project Blank/Top Whatever series.  It's called Money Shot and I can't -- I just can't go on with this.  Make your own damned joke.  You win, Andy Cohen.   Have a good life. -- Peter