Damn you, all of you too shiny, too rich, too thin, too tanned, too white-teethed, too vapid, too young young people of Los Angeles. Damn you all to Hell.
So, right. You guessed it. The Hills returned last night and I'm practically shaking with excitement. I didn't entirely, exactly plan to watch it. I meant to quit it. But then of course I did watch and now I'm in. I am not happy about this.
MTV of course blanketed the airwaves with The Hills: Lauren Looks Back this weekend, which did not help things. Remember when Lauren looked like a normal girl? Yeah, she was kind of too bronzed, but she looked a lot healthier and like someone you might maybe sort of want to hang out with. Her jaw was a different shape because she wasn't so skinny and because it wasn't clenched with discomfort or rage or whatever's going on when we see her now. More importantly, remember when someone besides Whitney actually had to go to a job and, you know, perform? Remember when the show seemed like maybe it was sort of a reflection of a normal person's 20s? So that made me sad.
Now in its fourth-ish season, The Hills has become almost claustrophobic. It feels like agony, every time a new person is added to the cast (or whatever you call these people). Do we really have room for Heidi's sister in addition to Spencer's? Or Lauren's latest unearthed ex, Doug (or something)? It's not just the space they take up, and it's certainly not having to remember which skinny blond is which (thanks to the omnipresent cards that read "Lo Lauren's Friend," etc.). It's imagining the elaborate back-stage logistical plotting that has surely preceded each new addition. Are we really supposed to believe that Holly's insertion into the Montag-Pratt Estate wasn't pain-stakingly negotiated by all parties, weeks before the Spencer-Heidi-Holly-Erin-Event Coordinator scenes? And Spencer was surprised?
What got me, this week, though, was the scene between Audrina and Lo. Did you see that? I've grown accustomed to thinking that Lo is the smartest person in every room. She's the only one -- excepting Spencer and, rarely, Whitney and LC -- who displays even a flash of wit. She has ironic (I think) hair. You would think she could mop the floor with someone like Audrina, time and again. How shocking, then, to watch Audrina completely out-maneuver her? Maybe we don't have all the information (um, we never have all the information on this show -- no matter how many supermarket rags we read and blogs we scan), but based just on that one scene, Audrina slapped Lo up one side of her mcgatehouse and down the other, all while seeming to actually not give a shit. In short, Audrina out-Lo'd Lo. Whoa.
What do you think? Is this all just too awful? Does everyone have to stop watching? And more importantly, how come they never eat frozen yogurt anymore?