Dear Interstate Baking Corporation,
On the West Coast, all the people are vegetarian, but the Twinkies are not. Until very recently, East Coast Twinkies were, so I had a reason to continue living. Well. I just got back from the East Coast and no Twinkies for me. Apparently, this May, you replaced the vegetable shortening with lard and beef tallow. I'd flown all the way out to D.C. and waded in a flash-flood thunderstorm to get them, an errand that left my cousin and me stranded in a drugstore for TWO HOURS waiting for the waters to clear [the high point of which was borrowing the cashier's cell phone to call a cab and noticing that his wallpaper was a naked chick]. And after all that, no vegetarian Twinkies for me. I had to comfort myself with two bags of Utz Cheese Curls, which are delicious, but not cream-filled.
This is especially heartbreaking because I never even got a chance to making anything from this:
What the F, IBC? Why do you have to put meat in the snack cakes? Stop it.
I will be writing you to complain every single day here. I hope America joins me.
Yours,
Jenny
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